Lesbian Couples by D.Merilee Clunis

Author:D.Merilee Clunis
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Seal Press
Published: 2010-09-06T16:00:00+00:00

Families of Origin

When a lesbian couple adopts or arranges for the conception of a child, even if only one of the women is the biologically related or legally adoptive parent, both women usually consider themselves equal parents. Some couples, however, add a child or children to their family with the intention of having only one woman be the parent, or of having other women or men be primary parents (co-parents) with the biological mother. As with all lesbian-parented families, it is crucial for the couple to figure out what roles they want each woman to take. If it is the intention of both of you to be equal parents, you will have to spend time and energy to be recognized as such by other people. Unfortunately, regardless of how you define your family roles, the world outside your family will usually apply traditional definitions to fit its concept of how families ought to look. Usually, lesbian couples who decide to parent together are out in most parts of their lives. So, while this may make it somewhat easier to engage with the outside world, it does not mean that you will be taken more seriously than more closeted parents. It does mean that you are freer to challenge people and institutions that are hindering your ability to function as a whole family.

If you are considering adding children to your relationship, here are a few questions we encourage you to ask yourselves.

• Do you want a child, or do you simply like the thought of having children? Spend time with children and with parents as you consider this question.

• Do you have enough time, support, and money to have a child?

• How will your work be affected by raising a child?

• Do you want to bear a child, adopt, or foster parent? A lesbian couple is the only kind of couple who may have the option of deciding who will bear a baby. Which one of you would want to give birth?

• If you are interested in adopting or foster parenting, are you patient enough and sure enough of yourselves to endure the likely homophobia and the almost certain daunting red tape of social-service agencies?

• Have you thought through how a child will affect your relationship? No one can predict exactly how children will affect a couple’s relationship, but they will. For some women their relationship is their highest priority and they would rather not risk upsetting it.

• Have you and your partner discussed or worked through potential trouble spots, such as parenting styles, individual needs for control and discipline, and differing cultural and family backgrounds?

• Have you thought about how having a child affects your being out in the world as a lesbian? When you have children, you lose control of who knows you are lesbian, and you may not be in a position to or want to take that risk.

• Do you have support from your lesbian community for your choice to parent? Some lesbians may feel you have abandoned the cause if you choose to have a child.

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